I’ve done a lot of staying safe in the last seven years.
It probably didn’t look like it; not many women go camping alone, but that was one of the things I’ve done to stay safe. It may have looked brave. It may have even looked foolhardy, but for me it is and always was the safe thing to do.
Choosing to be alone after an abusive marriage; and then having finally found a good man, losing him very suddenly is a safe thing to do. I can’t get hurt if I don’t let anyone close enough to hurt me. Believe it or not, I’m referring to all relationships, not just men. I have caught myself letting no one close.
I do love people, but time and time again I have suddenly noticed that I look for faults, for a reason to stand back a bit. Anything to protect me from human nature.
Its a safe way to live, I can’t get hurt. I’m always the one who stands back first. And yet I do get hurt, because great friendships don’t happen unless you expose yourself to the chance that you might lose all and get really hurt again. Its a gamble, and it has to be taken. People say that I talk a lot. It’s true, I can take the back leg off a donkey with my chatter, but I’m quite good at saying a lot of nothing.
I’ve been musing on this a while now, and its becoming more clear by the day. I have to take the plunge, let people close, take the risk. I have to tell people whats going on and let them care. It comes with risks. I could lose friends, but then again, I could gain even closer friends than before. There is the risk that I might find it’s possible to like myself again.
I’d ask people to be gentle with me if I start telling you things I’ve never said before; but actually I’d prefer honesty. Being gentle implies that you might not tell me the truth if you think it might hurt me. The thing is, I found out by the age of seven that life is rarely fair to anyone. So tell me the truth and if it hurts, it hurts. Take the risk, it might not hurt and you might not scare me!
I’m not promising that I’ll never camp solo again. I do actually enjoy it a lot, but at the same time this year will be the second year that I’ve gone camping with someone in tow. So there you have it. If I want solitude I’ll go alone and if I don’t, I’ll take a friend or five.
Right. Its Dave’s birthday and it’s sunny so I’m off out for a walk with my sunglasses (and my hiking pole since I’m achy today) Happy BIG Birthday to you Dave!
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