Fear

With Deepest Sympathy

I can’t blog about what I have done this week without acknowledging the horrors of 13th November in Paris.

I’m angry over the fact that terrorists can take a faith and twist it so that they truly believe their violence has Divine approval. It does not.

Today I have candles burning in several windows as my personal sign that only light can drive out darkness and only love can destroy hatred.

I have faith in God, and as such I pray that the authorities do come up with an effective plan to stop this senseless violence once and for all.

To Paris, with love and tears and prayers, from Me xx

Categories: Fear, Hope, Life, observations, Rants | Leave a comment

Staying safe.

I’ve done a lot of staying safe in the last seven years.

It probably didn’t look like it; not many women go camping alone, but that was one of the things I’ve done to stay safe. It may have looked brave. It may have even looked foolhardy, but for me it is and always was the safe thing to do.

Choosing to be alone after an abusive marriage; and then having finally found a good man, losing him very suddenly is a safe thing to do. I can’t get hurt if I don’t let anyone close enough to hurt me. Believe it or not, I’m referring to all relationships, not just men. I have caught myself letting no one close.

I do love people, but time and time again I have suddenly noticed that I look for faults, for a reason to stand back a bit. Anything to protect me from human nature.

Its a safe way to live, I can’t get hurt. I’m always the one who stands back first. And yet I do get hurt, because great friendships don’t happen unless you expose yourself to the chance that you might lose all and get really hurt again. Its a gamble, and it has to be taken. People say that I talk a lot. It’s true, I can take the back leg off a donkey with my chatter, but I’m quite good at saying a lot of nothing.

I’ve been musing on this a while now, and its becoming more clear by the day. I have to take the plunge, let people close, take the risk. I have to tell people whats going on and let them care. It comes with risks. I could lose friends, but then again, I could gain even closer friends than before. There is the risk that I might find it’s possible to like myself again.

I’d ask people to be gentle with me if I start telling you things I’ve never said before; but actually I’d prefer honesty. Being gentle implies that you might not tell me the truth if you think it might hurt me. The thing is, I found out by the age of seven that life is rarely fair to anyone. So tell me the truth and if it hurts, it hurts. Take the risk, it might not hurt and you might not scare me!

I’m not promising that I’ll never camp solo again. I do actually enjoy it a lot, but at the same time this year will be the second year that I’ve gone camping with someone in tow. So there you have it. If I want solitude I’ll go alone and if I don’t, I’ll take a friend or five.

Right. Its Dave’s birthday and it’s sunny so I’m off out for a walk with my sunglasses (and my hiking pole since I’m achy today) Happy BIG Birthday to you Dave!

Categories: Fear, Life, observations | 1 Comment

Not one moment

Last week was pretty hectic. Starting with someone’s fatal road accident that prevented me from getting home one day, continuing through the first week of a New Friends course at Church, and ending with a busy weekend spend partly on the M6 and partly in Liverpool. It was good but I was Tired!

I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep and housework since then and it hasn’t been easy. Ever tried doing laundry with your eyes shut? Don’t. You’ll find that your best black trousers are staining a boil wash and your favourite white top is irretreivably ruined (not really but comes close!)

This evening I found myself in tears while a conversation about a friend’s new baby went on around me. A whole box of memories and emotions suddenly exploded inside my head and I had no defence against them. Over the meal two of my best friends managed to help me smile again and over the dishes some others had me laughing like a loon. It was good.

And then in the dark in the car it all came back. Six years of dealing with memories and laying things to rest was back in a moment and I was fighting the tears and painful memories again. Then the CD player kicked in, and it was a track about not being alone. I remembered the truth of some of the facts. Yes its been a hard road and yes there are scars but you know what? Not one inch of that road was walked alone. Not one moment of this horrible few years has been lived alone.

God has seen it all, cried through it all, walked with me through it all. I was never alone and that is why I’m doing as well as I am, I’m emotionally battered, true; but I could have given in to the pain and gone in a different and much worse direction.

God has taken many forms, the arms of brothers, sisters, parents, friends. Phone calls to and from people. Everything has meant a huge amount to me and no matter how small it was I know it helped me walk the next step.

Truly, I am blessed and grateful.

Categories: Church Event, Dan, Fear, Hope, Life, observations | Leave a comment

Was I crazy?

I’m sitting in my living room on a week day. It’s rocking up to nine o’clock and I still haven’t had breakfast and I’m not contemplating rushing off to work.

I quit my job. In the current economic climate from almost all angles it seems a crazy thing to do, but I felt I had little choice. I get PMS with symptoms of depression and it was getting worse each time. I was working routinely 50% more hours than I had originally agreed to and I was exhausted.

Sitting here now I can tell you hand on heart that I enjoyed the work. In the future I may go back to a form of caring work but right now I’m still sleeping up to 12 hours a night trying to get rid of the sleep debt, and if I ever do return to caring it will not be for a company that asks 12 hour shifts of its staff. I could go on a real rant here but it wouldn’t help anything so I won’t.

On to now. I’m waiting to hear about another job I’ve applied for, I should hear today or tomorrow. I am a fully signed up member of Worriers Anonymous so right now trying not to bite nails, pace, cry, call a relative is the order of the day.

While I do that, maybe I can work out a way to wash hair that is attached to a painfully sunburned scalp. Everything else has calmed down but the head still hurts. Details of that belong in another post!

Categories: Fear, observations, Rants | Leave a comment

Big Plans or Pipe Dreams?

I’m very excited. I’ve decided I need an allotment, and I’ve been told by the council that there are some available here in Town, so I shall be going this weekend to investigate and get started.

I really hope it works. I want to do it for a whole selection of reasons.
-My garden is tiny and the soil is pretty poor
-I need to cut my bills, and growing veg for a “mostly veggie” seems like a good way to go it
-I need to find other forms of exercise. While my legs are fairly toned from the cycling I do, the rest of me is lagging a long way behind.
-I want the opportunity to meet people. Growing things in a communal setting sounds like a good way to go.

I have millions of ideas of things I want to grow, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fit them all in, but at the moment I know I’m bracing myself for a huge amount of digging before I can put anything in the ground at all. I want the stuff I grow to have the best chance possible, so I have already concluded that I’m prepared to use chemicals as well as the more organic things. Slug pellets for one. I refuse to let the horrible little creatures anywhere near my tender growing plants!

I have already negotiated a trade. Father is prepared to help in exchange for food, and Father used to keep an allotment before I was born and while I was tiny, so this is a very profitable exchange.

Other than the assistance, I have nothing. I also have very little idea of what I’m letting myself in for other than going to a patch of ground where I’m growing things regardless of rain or sun. I have ideas of things I will need, and things I want, but nothing really more than that.

Yes, while I am excited, I’m also a bit scared. I think my biggest fears are that I’ll either lose interest and have wasted money on my hands rather than reduced bills, or that disease will strike and I’ll have nothing to show for the hard work I’ve put in!

Categories: Allotment, Beginning, Fear, Hope, Plans | 1 Comment

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