Dear Dan

You know as well as I do why I feel compelled to write to you today. Simply put, I miss you.

I’m talking about you to CRUSE now. I wasn’t processing things at all. I went into shock when your dad rang me and didn’t cry for several days. Now it seems I still cry quite a lot but I remember far more readily the times we spent together.

I’ve learned in the last two years that I’m stronger than I thought I was, that the human heart can heal but that the memories never go. We went to all sorts of places; I still have the Castle Howard book you bought me, but what I remember most happily are the Sunday mornings on the river bank chatting in the sunshine watching the tide.

Going to Cornwall with you was fun, seeing it together. I still go, but I have returned to the campsite I used to visit before. I’m still sad that I could never have taken you there due to the cliffs.

I’ve done quite a lot in two years. I still blog of course, although not as often as I would like. I got a job in a nursing home, found it too stressful and got another as a domestic assistant which is less stressful and more fulfilling. I moved to Warwickshire. I started going for walks along the canal, it reminds me of the river. I need to do a bit more of that – I gained a lot of weight and need to lose it fairly quickly!

I hope you’re proud of me, I want you to be.

I don’t mind confessing that there are days when I desperately want to ring you up and talk through a stressy situation. I still have your number in my phone.

Some of the ladies you met through me have been incredibly supportive in the time (thought I’d better refer to them in case they shoot me…) and I’ve been brave and gone out and made other friends too.

All in all Dan, I do miss you. That will never change. I wanted to let you know that while the road is sometimes bumpy, I’m still walking along it and discovering what life has in store for me now. Thank you for being such a big part of my life, I couldn’t be who I am now if it wasn’t for you.

All my love.

X

Quiet thoughts and late night laundry

The year is almost a week old. I can’t believe I haven’t posted yet but I haven’t, so I’d better.

I’m a little embarrassed to confess that my morning relaxing went on rather a long time and I realised not long ago that I hadn’t done any washing all day. Not good, as if it goes more than a week it gets unmanageable. Oops!

I’m a bit disorientated by the total lack of snow this year, I don’t know why it’s happened, only that I don’t like it. I haven’t bothered going for walks, what’s the point in going for a winter walk if you know you will only be trekking through mud and not snow? Huh.

I’ve been a bit bogged down (although that doesn’t seem the right word) by the fact that the two year anniversary of Dan’s passing is coming up in a few weeks. I had a good cry to my counsellor over it a few days ago, but it definitely overshadows the fact that my birthday is almost upon me. no one could help the fact that he died on the day he did, but my birthday will never be the same again.

The resolutions I made for this year are still being kept, which I’m pleased about. I’ll be at my first slimming world class this week. I did try to do it alone at home but I think I need the class at least for a while to get me on my way.

Here’s to sunday which has arrived while I was typing!