Monthly Archives: October 2009

To Odd Experiences

I needed to go shopping today. I actually prefer shopping on a weekday, either fairly early or after work, when most sane people are in bed. Today I was reminded of why.

To put is simply, Tesco was heaving with people. Now you might say that how a supermarket should be, but  I don’t deal hugely well with crowds. I like people, sure, but hundreds of them milling in all directions and coming at me no matter which way I tried to point my trolley? No thanks, I’ll stick to shopping after 10pm and risk the self-serve checkouts thanks!

I’m not sure if it’s the low mood/mild depression, but I felt almost claustrophobic in there, my spatial awareness is pretty strong anyway, and when I’m unwell in any way, shape or form it gets even stronger. I couldn’t help but think that I would actually pay not to work there on a Saturday if I was employed by them. I couldn’t help wondering if it would have been wiser to order online and pay the delivery charge for not that much food. Continue reading

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Summing up a week

It’s been an odd sort of a week. I sobbed my little heart out sending Dan home after a happy weekend together, and it did get hard to do things like actually cooking meals of nutritional value, but then Beckie took me in hand and it seems to be improving inside my head now.

I had an awful moment in the early hours of Monday morning, Dan woke me asking what this noise was, and on investigation, it turned out to be a live fully grown frog. I mean, Lord defend me, I like ’em in the wild, but my front room is the Wrong Place for a frog to be! I nearly threw up trying to get the poor creature out, I really do baulk at touching them, and I may never wear that boot it hopped into again, but it did eventually go out unharmed.

Incidentally, there is a new house rule, Cat supper time is Cats Locked In time. I am NOT having that again, ever! Continue reading

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What a great weekend

Truth be told, I wasn’t expecting this past weekend to be up to much. It was the in-between-seeing-Dan weekend that I always hate, going stir-crazy in the house by myself, not wanting to do anything and hating that I feel that way.

Anyway. That was before I was reminded about the Brazilian Grand Prix and the fact that a couple of world championship titles were up for grabs.  No contest, BBC1 went on and twitter logged in and away we went to a very wet Brazil of a Saturday afternoon.

I’ll confess that for a good deal of the actual driving time of practice and qualification I was on my knees with my heart in my mouth. Someone on the track described it as a water feature, and I don’t think that’s too much of an exaggeration; the track really did look like a river, and to really top it all off properly, the weather radar got hit by lightning, so that was out of action and couldn’t be used to work out how long between rain squalls. Continue reading

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Was it worth it?

Bedford’s Mayor, Frank Branston, died recently. This sparked the need for an election to find a new mayor.

My question, maybe more of an issue, is this: how can I be sure that the person I just went out and voted for is actually going to deliver on what they’ve said will be their priorty? I can’t stand over them and crack a whip – no one would pay me to and I can’t do it for free.

Maybe it’s just that I’ve got a heightened sense of what I see as wrong or unfair at the moment. I’m not really sure to be honest, but my faith in politics is really being shaken and my general faith in human nature has taken a huge slap lately.

On the bright side, I got some grocery shopping done yesterday and this morning I’ve got some laundry out of the way. This is a pretty good sign, because if I can’t buy food and do laundry it’s next stop – anti depressants. Maybe the fact that the weather is stable is helping, I’m not totally sure.

I do have something proper to look forward to, Dan is coming for a long weekend. My house will get clean and tidy (always does when I’m expecting visitors I care about!) and I’ll actually find the energy to cook proper food again. Anyone else fancy dropping by? You might get met at the door with a duster and a cup of tea though!

Categories: Dan, Life, observations, Rants, Shopping | 1 Comment

After the rain the sun

There’s a song I used to sing at primary school that had that line in it. For the life of me I can’t remember any more of it than that right now but I think it fits how I feel right now.

I expect you’re probably aware that I had a crisis yesterday. I was up from 5am to catch the train to see Dan and the night before that I’d cycled miles to pick up my train tickets through the rain in the dark and the rush hour and dealt with beggars who approach people (note to potential beggars – don’t bother, I’ll yell at you or call the police) and ticket machines that didn’t want to work when the rest of the world (and me) are all in a hurry to be somewhere else because it’s friday night. Then I had a monster of a curry before packing my case and getting to bed just before midnight. Continue reading

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Surging feelings

It’s been an odd week. I’ve been up and down so many times, not sleeping properly, almost depressed at times. It’s largely to do with having to face the reality of the fact that my job is actually going, and I have to get out there and find a new one. The knowledge is so hard to live with; sometimes it feels like physical pain. I often want to cry, and at the same time I feel that I can’t, that I have no right to.

Yesterday I got very low indeed, right down to tears; and then that Lily Allen song “it’s not fair” came on. For the first time I had to conclude that I agreed with Lily. It does feel unfair that so many of us have to lose our jobs because of someone else’s management choices and decisions, that so many of us struggle day to day now.

For those who have never been made redundant, it feels like a bereavement. I’ve had this job for eight years now and I’ve enjoyed doing it. I’ve worked with a huge variety of people and done wide variety of tasks within it. The day I heard the announcement I felt as though I’d been kicked in the stomach. Some of the people around me had to walk around the carpark to calm down after hearing the news, there was a fair bit of anger and disbelief, and a general feeling of betrayal all round.

I’ll get through this, I have to. After every funeral life continues and it will for me, but right now it is a bit hard to comprehend. I do have a loving and supportive family and a large and helpful circle of friends. I’ll find a new job and get a new set of colleagues and make more friends.

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The change is amazing

I’ve recovered from my post holiday blues it would seem, my energy level is right up today, so much so that not only is the washing done, but I’ve moved the living room around the way I wanted to months ago.

I am enjoying this, because this mood/energy level thing isn’t that stable. Sometimes it will be good for weeks on end, other times it’ll be up and down more often than the FTSE100!

On a slight change of tack, the Grand Prix in Japan today has left me slightly stunned. Yesterday the practise and qualifying was like a demolition derby, almost a case of “lets see how many times we can hit the wall” Three red flags, lots of yellows, bad weather, you name it. Today someone on Twitter asked was it the same track. I wondered if we had the same drivers. It was like watching a Conga dance; a couple of grazes, only one car in the wall and one safety car. No race steward investigation calls, nothing!

I think it found it dissappointing because I was awake at 4am to watch the race live from Japan and found it if anything a bit boring! Nevertheless, I enjoyed chatting online with a lot of other F1 devotees and making fun of some drivers who shall remain nameless.

Categories: General, Life, observations, Sport | 1 Comment

Post holiday blues

Mousehole harbourI couldn’t post recently. After the holiday in Cornwall and spending time with Dan, three days after I got back to work I crashed. No energy, wanted to sleep. I couldn’t even do the chores I enjoy most, and getting the council tax paid took three days of planning!

Until I realised what was going on, all I could say was that I felt as though someone had taken out my batteries. I was on go-slow and felt miserable that I had no energy.

Now that I’m able to function again, I can see that I had a case of post holiday blues. I only go away once a year, and it’s over a year since I went last year; as a result I’d forgotten how low my mood can drop when I return from holiday. I’d forgotten how hard it can be to do simple things like decide what to have for dinner and cook it or wash my hair!

The turning point came a few days ago when I realised what the matter was with me and was able to relax again. I think it’s a case of realising why I was low helped me to say “OK, that’s what it is, I’ll feel better in a couple of days once I’ve had a bit more sleep and then I’ll function properly again”

So I’m happy to tell you that in spite of the fact that my smoke alarm went off at three am I’m up, my hair is clean and bacon is cooking for lunch, and I know what I’m planning to do tomorrow.

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