I’ve just attended the mJa Winning weekend in Northamptonshire. I’ll blog about it in a bit more detail soon, but I want to talk about something else I’ve been reminded of first. We sang a song that made me cry. There was a line in it that said “I surrender my need to be seen to be strong” I just recalled all the times when I’ve told Twitter “I can’t pretend I’m strong enough any more” and then shut everything off and cried.
I do want to get away from harping on about how bad this year has been; how much I’ve had to fight through, how often I’ve had to just keep on keeping on, how often depression has taken me off at the knees and made even the choice of what to eat or drink too hard to make. The song told me that it was OK to set it all down. It went on to tell me that I was loved with a wonderful love, and that Love would change me if I just let it.
I type this with an aching throat. The knowledge that I can set down one more heavy load and let Someone bigger than me carry it and love me just makes me cry all over again, the comfort in knowing that can’t be put into words.
This was going to be a very self pitying post today, I was going to vent it all, tell about how hard it’s been to function, all sorts of whingeing. I don’t need to. Yes it’s been a hard year, lots of big and tough changes, but none of it has been dealt with alone. I’m never alone, even when I shut the door of my flat at the end of the evening.
Sometimes a realisation is as simple as hearing a song in Church.