It may not sound like much, but just living day to day is all I can do right now, sometimes getting through the next five minutes is a monumental task. The strangest things make me cry.
This morning I found an old patch that Dan used to wear to help his heart. It had been discarded by one of us, possibly the first time he came over to spend a weekend. I just lay in bed and sobbed when I saw it.
Some things have been easy to sort out, and don’t bother me, and then I’ll be poleaxed by something that just seems of no consequence at all. Things that in the beginning looked to be easy to do and totally natural have proved to be almost impossible to do.
I’m learning that there are people all around me who have an amazing capacity to listen and just be there, people who have seen grief in a way I pray I’ll never experience myself. I’m so grateful that those people are in my life and I’m really grateful that they bore with me whinging about petty things before this happened. I have anchors in a sea where frequently I feel alone and drifting. Arms that hug me when I feel blackest, even when those arms are typed words on MSN or Facebook or Ivillage UK.
Work are being wonderful to me, allowing me breaks when I need them and ears if I just need to talk. I’ve talked enough lately to lose my voice more than once, but it does seem to get me through.
I’m still tired, and I’m still cold. That’s partly the strain of dealing with life, partly that while I am eating it’s not really the medically correct diet I usually try and achieve and finally, my heating’s been broken on and off for the last few weeks. My landlord comes out to fix it if I tell him, but I just got so tired of calling people and asking for help, it was easier to get a duvet off the bed and wrap up and go to sleep. (He came out with a part and fixed it yesterday while I was at work and it seems to have worked – the house is 18-19C, even though I’m really cold for whatever reason. Trust me when I say that’s wa
That’s enough for now, take care.